Woke Up New | celainn's Blog

I was just listening to this song and realized that I hadn't posted it here.  So now the remedy to that.

I remember that feeling of feeling "free, lonely, and scared" all at the same time when my mom died.  It was such a wonderfully open sensation - like life could BEGIN now.  And then, of course, instantly that feeling of guilt, that feeling that I had betrayed my mother by feeling that weight lifted at her death.

And STILL there's those two emotions, battling with each other.  Without her death, I would not be this halfway healed person you have before you, but she lived her life for her children, so the guilt is there. 

And I miss her every day and I want to show her that her death had meaning - that it created the "me" that is here today.  I want to show myself off to her and tell her what her leaving accomplished.  Mostly I just want to thank her for the going.

...but isn't that awful? 

Isn't it perfectly awful?

The Mountain Goats "Woke Up New"